Inner Conflict

I am torn. Torn between two pathways. One pathway leads to being professionally developed. Something I have been missing, quite frankly, for my entire professional life. I yearned and longed to get better. I sought mentorship. I wanted to grow and not remain stagnant. I finally have that now. I learn something new pretty much every day. I am surrounded my geniuses. Although it can feel intimidating at times, it is refreshing after I'm able to grasp a new concept. In the past I was overworked and underappreciated. I began to hate my job. It was no longer something I wanted to do. It was more so of a burden. A task that I HAD to complete. Now, on this path I am appreciated. My hard work is noticed. I am told thank you. I am given flexibility and space to complete tasks. I am not micro-managed. They trust me. They realize if you hire smart, dedicated people then they have the intuition and drive to get their job done without the carrots and sticks mentality. I am able to explore new paths and I am compensated nicely. This is the dream. But there is another path. One that I was on before. One that I keep glancing at while walking down the other path. I am not sure if I keep looking back at this path out of nostalgia or if it's something deeper. I have a fear that it is the latter. The last path wasn't an easy one. It actually wasn't a healthy one. It was full of obstacles, hardships, pain, and stress. There were no thank yous and acts of appreciation. There was little trust and hence lots of micromanagement. This last path was a shitshow and I wanted off of it so badly. It was a path toward destruction. However, something in me enjoyed parts of that path. I liked all of the passerbys I came in contact with. I was able to make an impact in the lives of those people. That was very rewarding. That reward made all of the b.s. worth it. I am in a conflict between self and others. I can dedicate myself to others but along with that comes less money and being undervalued. There will be longer work days and hours. There will be more stress. But there will also be the ability to directly impact others. I can help change life trajectories for the better. I can dedicate my energy toward me. I can learn a new craft and get paid handsomely while doing so. I can work 40 hrs/week and then have time for a personal life...a life of minimal stress. I can travel and live comfortably. I will feel valued. But then am I really making an impact? Is my life meaningful if I'm not helping others? I don't know.

The Good and The Bad

It's been a while since I last wrote here. I've been journaling. It's been cool. Randomly thought of you so I moseyed my way here. There has been a lot on my mind. So let's get started. Recently, there have been crazy things going on in the world. And by crazy I mean people have been treating others with blatant disrespect and have just simply been cruel. Long gone are the days where you treat others the way in which you'd like to be treated. Long gone are the days where you sit down and talk with others to gain understanding. It's a dog eat dog world out there (Do dogs eat each other? I wonder where that saying came from...) Wars in various countries are scattered across the globe, mostly because corrupt leadership. Nations imposing draconian laws on its people. Nigeria, Uganda, and Russia (just to name a few) have began campaigns against their own people. They are going on witch hunts for homosexuals. If you choose to be brave and be different by loving someone who is the same gender as you you can receive a lifetime in prison or be put to death. I read an article yesterday where a man was burned to death while people looked on because he was accused of being gay. I'm being murdered left and right and no one seems to care. The justice system surely doesn't. Black boys are seen as a threat. We are dangerous. Not because we have committed a crime. Not because we are bad people. Not because we are mean. We are being killed because White people are afraid of us. They play into their fears and their prejudice has begun to take a form. The form of stand your own ground. I can never understand how you could hate or fear someone so bad that you are willing to take their life. Even those that I don't particularly care for would never receive the death sentence. If anything I pray for them or for understanding. Never death. Death is so permanent. Death never ends. Although terrible things are happening, I have ran across a few good things which definitely were needed. There was a man who tricked a homeless man into believing he had won the lottery. He won $1000. The homeless man was so grateful that he attempted to give the other man part of his winnings. The men began to cry with each other. It was a beautiful thing. It takes a special person to love unconditionally and an even greater person to act with love. I am appreciative of that video and for all those who have been inspired to do good. I read an article about how Utah is tackling homelessness. And surprisingly it wasn't arrest these people, ship them to some other area, fine them, or some other ludicrous idea. Instead Utah has begun acting with passion and a brain. They have set up a program where the give homeless people homes...for free along with a counselor to assist them with their hardships. I think they may have been acting more out of economic reason (it's more cost-effective to set up a homeless person with free housing than pay for ER visits/medical expenses) but I like to think they were just being humans beings helping out others human beings in need. I have more on my mind but I'll save that for another post.